Ancestors

By Willow Yao

 

The roar of the old pickup truck’s engine blasts in my ears. I sit in the back, clinging onto the side of the truck for support as we continue to drive down the rough dirt road. The sweeping mountains melt together into a vast ocean of green as we get farther from the village. I peer to my left at the massive chasm that seems to swallow everything it touches. Clenching my hands harder for reassurance, I try to force myself not to think about how one accidental swerve on the narrow path could send us tumbling down the side of the mountain.

It’s been over five years since we last visited my grandparents in Shanxi. Dad has adjusted to coming back to the village seamlessly. Comfortably guiding the ancient truck on uneven terrain, he speaks in his Shanxi accent, sharp vowels and cadences so different from the Mandarin I was used to hearing. “Do you see that spot right there?” Dad points at a beaten path near the side of the road. “That’s the trail I would walk on each week to go to school. I had to sleep there on the weekdays since coming up and down the mountain each day was too tiring.” He continues to tell me about different landmarks from his childhood as we drive through the mountainside where he grew up. “My friends and I would play over there all the time when we were younger.” I gaze at the broad pasture and try to picture him as a child, playfully running through the grassy field.

We drive past an older man herding a flock of sheep, and dad waves at him, shouting joyously. He pulls over at the side of the road and goes over to talk to the man. Their Shanxi accents are difficult to understand, but I catch snippets of “America” and “Willow.” The man looks over at me and smiles widely.

“Ai, ni jan da le hao duo ye. Ni xien zai hao gao!” My brain refuses to make sense of his punctuated sounds.

“Ahh…” I give a mystified smile, turning to dad for help.

“He says you’ve grown so much taller since he last saw you. He’s your second uncle. You used to play with his granddaughter all the time when you were younger. Do you remember him?”

I don’t. The last time I was in Shanxi I was nine. Trying to remember that trip feels like attempting to grasp at a distant dream.

After they converse for a bit longer, Dad returns to the truck. The man waves goodbye, and we continue driving down the mountain. We pull over near a rocky ledge and dad turns the engine off. I follow him down a winding path on the side of the slope. Dad leaps from one rock to another, avoiding the shaky ground. I trail behind him, taking cautious, tentative steps. We reach a flat field and walk over to a row of smooth stones. Beautiful Chinese calligraphy is engraved into each one, memorializing each tombstone.

“This one is your great grandmother.” Dad kneels in front of her grave and motions for me to do the same. He touches his head and hands to the ground, offering a short prayer of good health in the afterlife. Then he places a stack of crisp joss paper, spirit money, onto the stone and lights it on fire. I watch as the crackling flames eat at the paper until none remains in our world. We then move on to the next tombstone, doing the same for my other ancestors. Dad offers me the lighter this time so I can lead the ritual. I hesitate before taking it. I can’t help but wonder if I have the right to be doing this; I feel so disconnected from this land. I look at the beautiful characters on the tombstone that I can’t read.

“Thank you for your strength and dedication. I am where I am today because of you. I wish you peace and fortune in the afterlife.” I light the money on fire, watching it consume our offering.

On the drive back up to the village, I gaze at the grand mountains, trying to absorb every last detail of my surroundings. The people and land feel so unfamiliar, but they are a part of who I am. I don’t want to forget anything else about myself anymore.

 

Willow’s Bio: 

I’m currently a freshman planning to major in Psychology and Information Technology and Informatics. My parents are originally from China and immigrated to the United States. They met during college and we having been living in New Jersey ever since.