Gratitudes

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Devon Borkowski

 

We did not have a funeral.
I wore my grandfather’s overshirt for a month
And talked to you every day
Though rarely about the absence
How I hate the word loss.

You did not mention the newly occupied urn
Only in my reaching out
I just fucking need you right now
Hiding behind
“I’m so sick of hearing I’m sorry”
If I could trust myself for nothing
I could trust you for that
You were never the gentling hand

Pull me out the ocean
Watch me cough seawater on the shore
The desire to drown lingers
There is not so much to swim towards
But you keep dry land beneath my feet
“Time does not give a fuck about your plans
And plans to be a dick as well”
Never gentle
Always kind

That night I sat with the phone ‘twixt my knees
Held the back of my hand over my mouth
Face pressed to the bed while I heaved
You couldn’t know how much I needed to hear it
That the world just doesn’t care

You won’t take to heart a thank you for this
For setting our tangled mess aside
Letting me laugh with the weight still on me
Letting it be ugly and messy
In every way that can’t be helped
“That’s what life is about, Dev. Hiccups and snorts.”
While I wipe snot off my smile

I’ll say here instead-
I hope you know
What it meant to me.

 

 

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