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VCR

Ramsha Syed

 

The pounding of my heart slowed down when you caught the seat of my two-wheeled,
Princess bicycle, and I hugged you as you laughed, and I replayed it in my head.

I replayed watching crime shows every Friday night until you fell asleep,
And I would wake you so that you could tuck me into bed.

I replayed the microwaveable dinner we shared on our broken, plastic table,
Where you told stories about your childhood, and I about my day at school.

I replayed the big, red Honda with the giant wheel attached to its back, which you picked me up in every
Monday after school, as you sped to get home.

While the surrounding cars honked and gave you the middle finger, you risked your job to pick me up,
and made terrible jokes to ease your stress, I replayed it all.

All those moments, when you loved me as I deserved, when you looked past my mistakes, where you
guided me through life, I replayed them.

I paused when you yelled at me, threw piercing daggers in the form of words, that wounded my young
heart and mind, deprived me of a childhood.

I paused when you told me I’ll never be good enough, when I cried in my bathroom as you pounded away
at the door.

I paused when you raised your hand in anger but it never came down, when the cops would come to our
house because the neighbors complained you were too loud.

I paused when my friends would go home in fear, begged me to come with them, and told their parents
how scary you were.

When you sent the rescuers away because you claimed I was lying, when you showed them my Father’s
Day cards, when you told them you loved me, I paused.

I stopped waiting for you to change. I stopped waiting for you to realize what you were doing to me. I
stopped trying to make you proud by giving away my Sundays in service at the mosque.

I stopped hoping you’d stop using religion as an excuse to hurt me. I stopped believing in you.

And now I move forward.

 

 

Ramsha Syed is a junior at Rutgers Business School, studying business analytics and information technology while minoring in psychology. She grew up in East Brunswick, New Jersey, and lives there currently. She always had a passion for writing but never knew where to begin–or how to. According to Ramsha, “Taking Creative Writing in my Sophomore year of college was one of the best decisions I’ve made as it allowed me to realize my potential and develop a new hobby in writing. I aspire to write my own book one day and I hope I’m able to do so.”