Overpriced Bill by Ezinne Uzoaru
Winner of the 2019 Rutgers University Winter Showcase Award for Playwriting
Characters:
- Destiny
- Billy
- Destiny’s Mother
- Stage directions/Narrator
Narrator: Destiny and her mother are seated in front of the car with the windows rolled down and the radio turned up to the max. It’s been a long day of mother-daughter bonding and they’re ready to head back home. Suddenly, the car goes silent.
Mother: (Sings) My milkshake brings all the girls to the- hey! Why did the music stop?!
Destiny: I think the radio is busted! Right when it was getting to the good part.
Mother: Great! Well we still have time to spend. There’s a mechanic named Billy, not far from here. I’m sure he can fix it for us fast.
Destiny: I hate going to the gas station. How is it that the gas smells better than the people there?
Mother: Lower your voice sweetie. The windows are still rolled down and we’re almost there.
Narrator: They arrive at Billy’s gas station and move into one of the empty spots in the lot. Billy who is currently working on another broken car stops once he notices the two and approaches their car.
Billy: It’s been a while Madame. It’s good to see you.
Mother: I’m sure what you really mean is that it’s good to see my money, but I don’t have much today. If you could just fix my radio for a small cost I’d really appreciate it.
Billy: Sure thing. Who’s this little cutie sitting right next to you?
Mother: Oh, this is my daughter, Destiny. Don’t just stare sweetie, say hi!
Destiny: Hi…
Billy: Hi Destiny. What a pretty name.
Destiny: Thanks…
Billy: Well I’ll be back. Let me just grab a few tools and see what I can do.
Narrator: Billy walks away to grab his tools from his office, while Destiny and her Mother step out of the car and wait for him to return.
Destiny: You know Mom, when you said that we were going to a mechanic named Billy I pictured a fat dude with his butt crack showing and a few missing teeth. What I got was a tall muscular man with a cute smile and a fresh beard. Even his sweat made him sexy.
Mother: There’s nothing sexy about a man who reeks of sweat and oil.
Destiny: I beg to differ…
Mother: Out of all the boys to have your first crush on, you have it with Billy the mechanic? There’s a reason why his wife left him sweetie. Plus you are way too young for him. The moment you start developing will probably be the moment he needs to wear diapers again.
Destiny: Shh! Play it cool! He’s coming back!
Narrator: Billy comes back with his tools in hand and begins to try and fix the radio.
Mother: Hey Billy where’s the restroom?
Billy: The first door on the right of my office.
Mother: Okay, thanks. You coming, sweetie?
Destiny: I’m good Mom. I’ll just wait here.
Mother: Okay, but stay where I can see you.
Destiny: Mom…
Narrator: Destiny’s mother heads to the bathroom, while Destiny calmly watches Billy as he fixes the radio.
Destiny: So Billy… you have a really nice name.
Billy: Thanks. My Dad really loved money and wanted to name me money, but my mom thought that was stupid and two hours of arguing later they settled with, Billy.
Destiny: That story is fascinating, just like you.
Billy: Aw you’re a sweet kid. How old did you say you are?
Destiny: (coughs) four-teen… but many say that I’m really mature for my age. Plus age is just a number.
Billy: You look really hot.
Destiny: Why thank you!
Billy: I’ve never seen anyone sweat that much before. Are you alright?
Destiny: Oh…yeah. Thanks for pointing that out. I’m okay it’s just really hot today. Maybe you should take off your shirt and make yourself even cooler.
Billy: I’m used to the heat, thanks.
Destiny: Well maybe you can fix my car in the future as well.
Billy: Hopefully you won’t need me to fix your car in the future.
Destiny: You could at least teach me how to drive a dick- I mean stick shift car!
Billy: Right now let me just fix your mom’s car for you, okay?
Destiny: Okay…
Narrator: Destiny’s mother comes back from the bathroom and approaches Billy.
Mother: So Billy, How much do you think this will cost me?
Billy: About two hundred dollars or as I like to say two hundred… Billies.
Destiny: Haha. You’re hilarious Billy!
Mother: TWO HUNDRED just to fix the radio?!! What a rip off and don’t amuse him sweetie! You literally just used a screw driver to remove what looked like dust.
Billy: Madame, your radio is pretty much brand new now that I fixed it. Look, I’ll bring it down to …one- fifty. How does that sound?
Mother: Sounds like I need to find a new mechanic.
Destiny: Mom, please just help him out. He was busy fixing someone else’s broken car, yet immediately stopped and took time out of his day to help us. Please…
Mother: You’re lucky I’m in a good mood today. Here, bring me change.
Billy: Okay, I’ll be right back.
Narrator: Billy heads to his office to get change, while Destiny and her Mother wait in the car.
Destiny: Mom, is it aright if I give him some of my left over birthday money as a tip?
Mother: Sweetie, believe me he’s not worth it. You had your fun, but it’s time to move on from your silly Billy fantasy. Plus you’ll make me look bad by using your money to give him a tip.
Destiny: I’ll just give him a little and I’ll say it’s your money.
Mother: Just be quick then.
Narrator: Destiny heads towards Billy’s office to give him the money. Suddenly, she realizes that he is talking on the phone and waits for him to finish.
Billy: I’m telling you man this kid was all over me. She would not take the hint that I am not interested. I mean if I’m gonna fuck a minor it might as well be a cute one right? The bitch looked like a damn walrus that was covered in sweat. I’m just being nice so that her mom will pay me well. Anyways I gotta go give back their change. Maybe I can convince her that I should keep it. Wish me luck man.
Narrator: Destiny rushes back to the car before Billy could see her.
Mother: You give him the money?
Destiny: Uh Yup… but you’re right mom two hundred just to fix a radio is way too much. Plus he’s not worth the money. Let’s go to a more reliable and less sexy mechanic next time.
Narrator: Billy comes back to car with their change.
Billy: Here you go Madame. Unless of course you care to spare a few-
Narrator: Destiny snatches the change before he has time to finish his sentence.
Destiny: That will be all Billy. Your greed is as strong as your stench of sweat. Maybe you should trying fixing it. Let’s go back home Mom.
Narrator: Destiny and her mother begin to drive back home.
Mother: Turn on the music sweetie! Hopefully something good is on.
Narrator: Destiny sheds a tear as she increases the volume of the radio.
The End
Ezinne Uzoaru is an English major and Psychology minor who loves to write twisted stories. Her hobbies include writing and drawing anime. She’s a senior who was born in Orange, New Jersey.