<\/p>\n
For Garret<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n 0<\/p>\n The wedding ended late,<\/p>\n it was nearly three before I was in my bed.<\/p>\n I smoked a joint and rubbed my feet,<\/p>\n did I ever tell you that I smoked?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was August-<\/p>\n I lived on the third floor of a house.<\/p>\n The air conditioner<\/p>\n was struggling at 60<\/p>\n but it was sticky hot,<\/p>\n and I slept with one leg out of the sheets.<\/p>\n We should talk soon,<\/p>\n and catch up,<\/p>\n it\u2019s been so long.<\/p>\n I fell asleep.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1<\/p>\n The ringing annoyed me.<\/p>\n My shift was twelve hours,<\/p>\n but I had only been asleep for six.<\/p>\n There were four missed calls,<\/p>\n all from my mum,<\/p>\n she knew I would be sleeping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n My chest was constricted.<\/p>\n \u201cGarret was in an accident last night.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGarret?\u201d<\/p>\n Not you, <\/em>you\u2019re our<\/em> Garret.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m so sorry honey, I wish I could be there with you. He\u2019s passed away\u2026he…he died.\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t remember any more of that,<\/p>\n I don\u2019t need to.<\/p>\n I remember the important part:<\/p>\n you are dead,<\/p>\n and we are all still here.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 2<\/p>\n I knew I would have to take the road,<\/p>\n the same one you did,<\/p>\n the same road that took you from us.<\/p>\n I was driving eighty miles away from where you left us,<\/p>\n mile marker 2.2<\/p>\n but every marker I passed was yours.<\/p>\n Every time I passed a box truck,<\/p>\n I knew it was the last thing you saw,<\/p>\n and could easily be the last thing<\/p>\n any of us would see.<\/p>\n Your family was having people<\/p>\n at your house,<\/p>\n well,<\/p>\n I guess it isn\u2019t your house anymore,<\/p>\n but I was going to come either way.<\/p>\n I had no idea<\/p>\n how to be there,<\/p>\n or what to say,<\/p>\n but I had nowhere else to go for this.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 3<\/p>\n I\u2019ll spare you<\/p>\n of the tears and the gripping hugs<\/p>\n because we all know what grieving looks like.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s just say it sucked.<\/p>\n I think the last time I was here<\/p>\n was three years ago now.<\/p>\n When I was little we used to come more,<\/p>\n but college and work and life,<\/p>\n it has kept us busy,<\/p>\n and busy means apart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Oh Garret,<\/p>\n the shifts I would call out,<\/p>\n the plans I would miss,<\/p>\n the classes I would skip,<\/p>\n to spend another day with you now.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 4<\/p>\n They needed a large outdoor space,<\/p>\n big enough to fit the hundreds of us<\/p>\n who were privileged<\/p>\n to know you<\/p>\n and to love you,<\/p>\n and who now have to learn<\/p>\n how to miss you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sweat trickled down my back<\/p>\n as the priest gave his sermon<\/p>\n and spoke of grief and loss and despair.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not a Catholic (this you know well)<\/p>\n but I listened intently.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I tried to remember the last time I had seen your face,<\/p>\n now looking at the<\/p>\n laminated version of you<\/p>\n (they used your graduation photo by the way, it was a good one)<\/p>\n staring back at me<\/p>\n from the little card they handed out.<\/p>\n My vision swam<\/p>\n as my fingers brushed your cheek,<\/p>\n knowing they never would again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 5<\/p>\n I think I have it now,<\/p>\n the memory of our last time together.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Do you remember that summer night<\/p>\n two years ago?<\/p>\n We were at the Tavern,<\/p>\n where we had been so many times before.<\/p>\n The adults drank at the bar,<\/p>\n where we could have too<\/p>\n (isn\u2019t it weird, that we\u2019re all adults now?)<\/p>\n but we had Shirley temples<\/p>\n and walked near the lake.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It had been a few months<\/p>\n since we had last been together<\/p>\n but for the four of us it was always,<\/p>\n always,<\/p>\n as if no time had passed at all.<\/p>\n We would forever be those<\/p>\n innocent kids<\/p>\n as long as we were together.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Remember how much you loved Lady Gaga?<\/p>\n She doesn\u2019t sound the same anymore;<\/p>\n I hear you singing along to every song.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 6<\/p>\n Your mom and Elina<\/p>\n went to the microphone next,<\/p>\n their breathing shaky as they began to speak.<\/p>\n Elina talked about you,<\/p>\n her big brother and comedian,<\/p>\n her protector and instigator,<\/p>\n and I thought of our lives together.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You were the oldest of the four of us,<\/p>\n two years older,<\/p>\n and had the best, creepiest ghost stories.<\/p>\n Do you remember the way we begged you to tell it again,<\/p>\n stories of the Jersey Devil and Bloody Mary?<\/p>\n You were the best older brother I never had,<\/p>\n teaching me to shoot a bow and arrow<\/p>\n and throw ninja stars,<\/p>\n and even some self defense<\/p>\n (a black belt at eleven, really? Leave some cool for the rest of us).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 7<\/p>\n Almost a year after your passing,<\/p>\n I decided to speak with a psychic<\/p>\n about you.<\/p>\n I was just worried,<\/p>\n I wanted to know if your soul was okay.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n She told me you were confused,<\/p>\n and you were scared,<\/p>\n but that your grandfather was with you<\/p>\n guiding you<\/p>\n and protecting you<\/p>\n in a way that none of us could have here.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You were worried about your mom,<\/p>\n I\u2019m sure you know this,<\/p>\n and you asked me to send her<\/p>\n white roses.<\/p>\n The first anniversary of your death approached,<\/p>\n and you knew how hard she struggled.<\/p>\n You said it would be a sign to her<\/p>\n that you were okay,<\/p>\n and you love her.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I sent the roses.<\/p>\n I hope she got the message.<\/p>\n Sometimes I wish I could get a message from you,<\/p>\n although I know it\u2019s selfish\u00ad\u00ad–<\/p>\n I am not the only one who misses you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 8<\/p>\n The guilt has caught me by surprise the most,<\/p>\n the guilt of still being here<\/p>\n of still having a sibling<\/p>\n of not making the time to see you when I could have.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Sometimes I wish I could see you in a dream,<\/p>\n or see you how the psychic could.<\/p>\n But I know you have more important things going on,<\/p>\n and after all, we were childhood friends,<\/p>\n not in each other\u2019s daily routines,<\/p>\n and I should\u2019ve made the time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 9<\/p>\n Over 6,149 days<\/p>\n I had the chance to see you here,<\/p>\n and many of them I did.<\/p>\n But I can\u2019t help thinking,<\/p>\n despite the good memories,<\/p>\n that at least then there was the earth,<\/p>\n connecting the steps we took apart from each other.<\/p>\n At least we had the moon;<\/p>\n we looked at the same one every night.<\/p>\n At least we had time,<\/p>\n time to plan dinners<\/p>\n and phone call catch-ups,<\/p>\n and nights at the Tavern<\/p>\n (we were supposed to sit at the bar next time).<\/p>\n At least you had a future,<\/p>\n whereas now there is only your past.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s been 445 days without you;<\/p>\n any future plans we had,<\/p>\n you had,<\/p>\n stolen.<\/p>\n And we all have to figure out how to live<\/p>\n our tens of thousands of days left<\/p>\n without you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 10<\/p>\n It was a different summer,<\/p>\n many years ago,<\/p>\n and we were squealing<\/p>\n and splashing<\/p>\n and swimming in my pool.<\/p>\n You shouted out to the birds<\/p>\n on the telephone wire<\/p>\n \u201cGoodbye, Birdies!\u201d<\/p>\n And then sang,<\/p>\n with an arm raised in farewell,<\/p>\n \u201cBye Bye, Birdie.<\/p>\n Why\u2019d you ever have to go?\u201d<\/p>\n We took up your lead,<\/p>\n raising our arms as well,<\/p>\n and sang along with you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
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