Space Cowboy
Amanda Spinweber
The sun is low enough to turn everything orange, the weather calm and cool for a New Jersey summer. Jess gazes out the passenger window as her brother, Kevin, tries for a second time to get the Ford Taurus to start. His whole upper body twists with the key, and on the third try, the engine startles awake, only to sink into a low purr.
“Hah, there we go,” Kevin says.
“I can’t believe this thing still runs; isn’t it older than you?” Jess asks.
“Actually, she’s from 97’ so we’re even”
It’ll be a miracle if we even get there, Jess thinks, before turning her attention to the view out the front window. As her brother drives, he fiddles with the buttons above the center console and soon enough, “Jet Airliner” fills the silence between the siblings.
“Hey, I know where we’re going but could you jus–” Kevin says.
“Yeah, I got directions. It’s called Carteret theater?” Jess asks.
“Should be Carteret Performing Arts Center.”
“Cool, should take about an hour and a half.” Jess sinks into the passenger seat and lets out a deep sigh.
Kevin is silent for a beat, and then, “Aren’t you excited? You love Steve Miller, and Dad said the seats should be pretty good.”
“Yeah. I am, I’m stoked.” Jess pauses. “Dad’s just been pissing me off recently.”
Kevin scoffs, but still indulges. “What’d he do now?”
“He didn’t do any thing. I just feel like he doesn’t like me. Like, really doesn’t like me. And that’s all you want from your parents, right? You wanna be someone that they like, that they can talk about.” Jess knows it’s a loaded statement, but Kevin’s the only one she can say it to.
“But he does like some things about you. I mean, you both like the Steve Miller Band, right? That’s why he got you the tickets. I think, maybe he just wishes you were different.”
The words sound worse out loud and when Jess whips her head towards him, Kevin doesn’t flinch. She stares at him, eyes drilling into the side of his head with such intensity, she’s surprised he manages to stay still. Eventually, Jess deflates, and slowly turns back towards the windshield with a frown so deep it looks permanently etched into her face. She watches cars pass and weave around them, now that they’re on I-95 S. Silence hangs in the air like thick smog. Kevin almost chokes on it.
“That’s the same thing,” Jess says slowly, voice tight and testing.
“No it isn’t.”
“Well geez, Kev, it’s just as bad”
“No. It isn’t”
“Oh, of course, how could I misunderstand? It’s not that Dad doesn’t like me. He just wishes everything about me was different in every way possible.”
“I never said everything.”
“You didn’t need to!” Jess doesn’t realize her voice is rising until she’s already screaming. Then, the only sounds are Steve Miller and the rush of cars around them. Kevin clenches his jaw and keeps his eyes forward. Jess can tell that he’s frustrated, but he doesn’t poke the bear, and Jess is grateful because she begins to feel a familiar burning in her eyes. No tears fall though, and the swelling in her throat eases once she counts to ten. Instead of confronting the invisible line that’s been crossed, Jess and Kevin decide to sink into the words of “Fly Like an Eagle.”
Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’
Into the future
I want to fly like an Eagle, to the sea
Fly like an Eagle, let my spirit carry me
They are halfway through the playlist before either of them speak again. Jess is pulled out of herself when Kevin starts his damage control.
“You love Dad, right?”
“Huh?”
He looks surprised to hear genuine confusion instead of sarcasm or rage. “You love Dad. Even if you don’t like how he is a lot of the time.”
“I mean, yeah, I guess. I suppose he’s done more good than harm.” Barely.
“Ok, so it’s mutual.”
“What?”
“The way you guys feel about each other is mutual.”
Oh, Jess thought. It still doesn’t sit right with her, it still feels like she has ground to stand on.
“Yeah, but I just want him to be proud.”
“That’s unprecedented territory, Jess. Take it from your older brother. Even if Dad was proud of you, it’s not like he’d ever let you know. Right?” Kevin is met with silence. “And think about what you’re asking him. Do you want him to understand your art? Your beliefs? You know that stuff is bizarre to him. Not to mention a complete waste of time and money. Do you want him to be bursting with joy because his only daughter is a lesbian? I mean seriously, Jess, to you the bar is low, but the way he sees it, you’re practically asking him to cure cancer.”
“Do you have a problem with me being a lesbian?” Jess pauses. “You think it’s the equivalent of cancer?” She can only hope her brash tone hides her fear. She feels the ground slipping out from under her. It’s happening quickly and all at once.
“No. Don’t ask stupid questions. I’m just saying that he struggles with a lot of your…interests.”
“That’s one way to put it. And he hasn’t been the same since- you know.”
“Yeah. Exactly. And you don’t help your case. You still bring girls over. You still talk about art school, as if that’s ever gonna happen. And for some reason, you think the dinner table is a perfect place for political debate. Jess, are you not the littlest bit scared that he’s gonna kick you out again? For good?”
“Of course I’m scared. I remember what it was like. Bouncing between my friends’ houses. ‘Till I ran outta friends. But I can’t help it.”
“You can’t?”
“No, I can’t. And you’re right. I probably am making the adjustment harder for him. But ya know what? It’s hard for me too. And what else can I do? Stop painting? Forfeit my imagination for a nine-to-five just so dad will love me? Why can’t he understand me like Mom did? If he’s gonna keep being such a prick I’ll forget about college and move to-”
“You know you’re going to college. Whether it’s for art or not. You’re just talkin’ outta your ass because you’re stubborn.”
“Yes. I am stubborn. So was Mom. She liked my paintings.” Jess pauses. “And no, actually, I’m not talkin’ outta my ass.”
“If you’re gonna bring Mom into this then that’s all the more reason to quit your antics. She would want you and Dad to get along like you used to.” Kevin’s voice sounds tired.
“Mom would want me to fulfill my purpose. Whatever, it’s something you’ve never had to worry about because he’s proud of you. And she was too.” Jess’ words are green and bitter, and she wishes that they wouldn’t fall from her mouth so easily.
“Maybe. Who knows?” Kevin’s indifference is hard to believe.
“No, they’re definitely proud of you.” She waits a minute before saying, “Because, I mean, if nothing else, at least you were an Eagle Scout.”
Kevin’s laugh masks relief. Jess knows his limits. She is mastering the art of casually saying something to send him spiraling, only to reel him back in before he gets too in his head. Bonus points if she can do it under the guise of teasing.
“We’re coming up on our exit. Number 11.”
“Ok.”
“Can we skip this one? Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue are gonna be stuck in my head all night.”
“I get it. How do you feel about ‘The Joker’?”
“Perfect.”
Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love…
Amanda Spinweber is a third year visual arts student (undergraduate class of 2025) minoring in English and Art History.
Amanda wrote this story for Professor Alfredo Franco’s fall 2022 Introduction to Creative Writing course. Franco selected the piece for inclusion in WHR.